


Felix VS The Hallmark Channel

by defessissima



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Felix hates that his life is a romcom, M/M, So is Annette, ashe is adorable, i wrote this after my family marathoned 4 hallmark movies, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28041636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/defessissima/pseuds/defessissima
Summary: Felix Hugo Fraldarius must be dead. It was the only logical conclusion he could come to. Annette had killed him and now he was stuck in Hallmark Christmas movie hell.
Relationships: Annette Fantine Dominic & Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert & Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really needed to get this out of my system... I have no excuses this in incredibly self indulgent but the idea of Felix being a Christmas movie protag was too good to pass up.
> 
> this is not my best writing but in my defense...Hallmark also has bad writing.

Felix Hugo Fraldarius must be dead. It was the only logical conclusion he could come to. Annette had killed him and he was stuck in Hallmark Christmas movie hell. Now he was staring into a microwave praying for popcorn to pop slower so that he could miss as much of this torment as humanly possible. He sighed as the incessant beeping marked the end of his brief reprieve as he grabbed the bag and slammed the door shut with slightly more force than necessary.

“But you’re a prince, and I’m just a down on her luck Christmas tree farmer.” the blonde woman on the tv lamented as Felix settled down in his spot between Ashe and Annette on the couch, careful not to disturb their blanket nest. Ashe had gone all out decorating his little apartment for their yearly movie marathon. Twinkle lights cast a cozy red and green glow over the room and paper snowflakes hung from just about every flat surface possible. Ashe had even gotten Felix to begrudgingly wear a reindeer headband just for the occasion.

“I don’t care about my title Karen, the crown, the throne, my country I would give it all up just to spend Christmas eve with you.” 

“Awww,” Annette cooed between bites of cookie. “That’s so sweet!”

Felix scoffed. “It’s idiotic. He could just fly them both back to Castlevania for Christmas on his private jet.”

“You know that's not the name of the place Felix.” Annette interjected. 

“Then what is it?” Felix challenged. 

Annette took a moment to think. “Christmastopia?”  
  


“Exactly.”

Ashe rolled his eyes. “It’s not supposed to be serious Felix, it's supposed to just be a sweet story.”

“Sweet story or not, the writing is appalling, and the actors are atrocious. The so-called prince can’t even keep his accent straight.” Felix leveled Ashe a glare that would have scared lesser men, but Ashe just grinned, taking joy in his friend’s pain.

“Can’t you just give into the romantic fantasy?” Annette whined. “Imagine just meeting the love of your life standing under the mistletoe, and just your about to kiss, you find out he really has been prince charming the whole time.” Annette swooned with stars in her eyes.

Felix raised an eyebrow and turned again to the screen. The two leads were getting into a fake snowball fight with local children. “He does look like a real prince.” He conceded. 

Ashe smiled. “See, I knew you’d warm up to it!” 

“He looks like an inbred Habsburg.” He retorted.

“Felix! That’s so rude!” Ashe scolded. 

“We should have watched Die Hard.” Felix muttered into his popcorn seeking solace in artificial butter.

Annette rolled her eyes and started rearranging her blanket piles, throwing her legs over his lap. “We’ve had this argument so many times, I’m telling you Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.”

“It takes place during Christmas.” Felix retorted.

“That doesn’t automatically make it a Christmas movie, people die!” Annette protested. Ashe made a grab for the remote and turned up the volume as his two best friends argued.

“People die all the time in Christmas movies.” Felix deflected. “What about that snow man one, didn’t they kill him at the end?”

Ashe and Annette looked at each other in confusion and horror. Ashe gave Felix a concerned smile. “Do you mean Frosty, because they definitely don't _kill_ Frosty, he comes back to life every winter.”

Felix raised a brow in honest shock. “Oh.” he muttered. “I thought it died at the end.”

Annette stole a handful of buttery goodness from Felix’s lap. “What kind of movies have you been watching?” she joked. 

“Better ones than this.” Felix huffed. 

“I’m making hot chocolate.” Ashe announced shoving off his blankets and making his way to the kitchen. 

“I’ll take bourbon in mine.” Felix asked as nicely as he could.

Ashe reached for a brown glass bottle putting a splash into one of the mugs, before thinking better of it and emptying another shot’s worth into the coco. “You can heckle all you want. Lets just get through this movie first, then you can choose the next one.” he compromised.

Felix glared at the TV they were in a gazebo now, he lost the thread of whatever poorly conceived plot this movie had. 

The Blonde lady in a red sweater looked up at the burnet man in a plaid scarf. “Samuel, What are you saying? My family owns the only Christmas tree farm in the town, I can’t abandon it to become a princess, what will happen to Yuletide festival?” 

Annette and Ashe looked like they were actually enjoying themselves. Felix felt his face soften. He could bite his tongue for their sake. Ashe handed him a drink. What was the harm in just one movie? Felix thought as his sipped his mostly-bourbon-with-marshmallows. He could handle this for just one night.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm actually good at writing, check out my other fic Always on the Outside, its actually good. I fully understand this is a shitpost but winter felix in feh compelled me to write this  
> Happy holidays everyone

It turns out there was a lot of harm in just one movie. Felix was just about ready to put his head through a wall. He had just about enough time traveling Santas and Christmas Balls or whatever the hell it was. As he rinsed out their mugs in the sink he looked back at his two friends, who were snuggled together on the couch. Annette had passed out in the middle of the Sound of Music, which was the only movie the three of them could agree on, and Ashe had started nodding off after the nuns took apart the car engine. It was getting late, or early depending on how you wanted to look at it. Felix tried to place the mugs as gently into the dish washer as possible and closed the door. 

Ashe’s silver head started to stir from his spot on Annette's shoulder. “Felix? Is that you?”

Felix gave him a small smile. “Yeah, I’m just cleaning up, then I’m gonna head out.” 

“You should have woken me up.” Ashe yawned. “It's dark out you should just stay the night.”

“Don’t be stupid you only have one spare room, and I live two blocks away. It’s not a big deal.” Felix argued. He started to pull on his jacket. 

Ashe rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Felix, no it’s dangerous out there, I should walk you home.” He stretched and made his way off of the couch, careful not to wake Annette. And moving the blanket farther up her shoulders.

Felix tsked. “Then who would walk you back, you chivalrous dolt? Besides-” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his favourite switchblade. “I’m more trouble than it’s worth.”

Ashe sighed. “Just be careful ok? Don’t listen to your music while you're walking.”

“What are you my father?” Felix grunted as he opened the door of the apartment. “See you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Felix.” Ashe called after him, The door closed behind him leaving Felix in the cold bleary night. He watched how the glow from the street lights reflected on snowflakes as the fell to the ground and reconsidered just taking Ashe up on his offer to stay.

He sighed heavily, the breath from his lungs curled around him like wisps of smoke. He was already this far. He hardened his resolve and nestled deeper into the fur lining of his jacket. He  started to make his way down the snow covered streets. It was a route he walked about a hundred times over. He almost liked it better late at night, when there was no one else around. He started to hum one of Annette's little songs to himself. “Oh this mountain of sweets and treats that I long to eat.” He mumbled off-key into the collar of his jacket. “Oh stacks of steaks and cakes--”

“Excuse me!” 

On reflex Felix pulled the knife out of his pocket already flicked open and pointed at whoever had the misfortune of sneaking up on him. 

Instead of the odd drunk that Felix was expecting, there stood a man, the snowflakes danced in the street lights casting a white halo around his golden hair, he was well dressed, too well dressed for the part of town they were in. his long dark pea coat and cashmere scarf were covered in snow and his leather glove clad hands raised above his head. “Please I mean you no harm!” He also had the most startling blue eyes Felix had ever seen. He certainly didn’t look like a threat but then again Felix couldn’t be too sure. Cautiously he flipped the blade back into the handle still keeping it by his side,a visible threat.. The man lowered his arms. 

Felix barked “What do you want, I don’t have any money on me.”

The man gave a sigh of relief. “I’m not asking for money, and I don't mean to bother you-- it's just that my car battery died and I'm unfamiliar with the area, I was wondering if you could help me call a tow truck?” 

Felix narrowed his eyes.”Call them yourself.” he dismissed. 

The blonde stranger looked his eyes gleamed with desperation. “My phone died on the trip over, I was careless and forgot to charge it.”

Felix stared at the concrete between them and tapped the knife on his leg as he weighed his options, on one hand it would be stupid to let some idiot get murdered on the side of the street. On the other hand.... There was no other hand it was just stupid. Felix cursed under his breath. Ashe was more prone to random acts of kindness than he. Maybe it was rubbing off on him. He pulled out his phone and started searching for a towing company that would be open. “Where is your car?” He conceded. 

The man’s face lit up. “It’s down this road. Thank you for your help.” His smile was so bright and earnest it was like staring into the sun. Felix looked away, not wanting to make eye contact.

“What’s your name, the company will want to know who their billing.” Felix stated more than questioned.

“Dimitri,” The stranger responded. “Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd-”

Felix gave the man an incredulous look. “That's not a real name.” He huffed.

Dimitri looked down at his feet a light blush danced across his cheeks whether from embarrassment or the cold it was impossible to tell. “It’s Welsh.” He supplied as if that explained anything. 

Felix rolled his eyes. They walked back to Dimitri's car, Felix following behind a few paces not fully trusting the well off stranger.  He didn’t seem like the kind of guy to throw him in the back of a trunk, but then again he doubted many serial killers would have gotten away with it if they all seemed like serial killers. He gave the dispatcher directions to their location then hung up the phone. 

“They said they’ll call back when they can find a free truck, the first snow of the season is always busy. It might take them a while.” Felix shoved his cold hands back into his pockets and leaned against the closest lamp post.

“I’m forever grateful Mr.?” 

“Felix, just Felix.”

“Felix,” the way Dimitri smiled as he said the name, his deep voice rumbled over the syllables, and caught Felix off guard. “Thank you for all your help. You have my undying gratitude.” 

Felix cleared his throat and started fumbling with his phone trying to just keep his hands busy. Instead of focusing on how Dimitri’s blue eyes and bright smile made his stomach feel like it was somersaulting out of his body, he decided to text Ashe the latest developments. 

_ im helping some guy call a tow truck if he kills me this is his face and his license plate he says his name is dimitri alexandra blathid  _

“The company has my number so I’m stuck with you until they call back.” Felix sighed.

Dimitri looked panicked.“Please, don’t let me keep you. Someone knows I’m here now, I’m sure they’ll be along shortly.”

Felix snorted. “You have too much faith in people. It’s dangerous to be out alone at night.”

“Says the man who's staying here alone with a stranger.” Dimitri’s eyes twinkled. 

“I could take you if I needed to. Besides, I just sent my friend your picture. If you kill me he’ll call the police.”

“How prudent.”

“Don’t patronize me, Mr.Fancy car and nice clothes.” Felix lifted a perfectly arched brow. “Why are you even here? Are you a drug dealer?”

Dimitri sputtered. “A drug dealer Heavens no, nothing of the sort!”

Felix raised an eyebrow. “Heavens no? What are you a nun?”

Dimitri brushed past the sarcasm. “I’m here on diplomatic business, I was actually on my way to the Remire Hotel when the car broke down.”

“What kind of diplomatic business brings you to the middle of Gaspard? There’s nothing here.”

“I’m here for the annual Christmas tree lighting, Garspard is our sister State so I'm here as an ambassador of goodwill.” The blonde explained. His expression seemed tentative as if he was expecting Felix to say something.

“Sounds like a pain.” Felix snorted 

“It’s actually a welcome distraction, Christmas is a magical time, and I don't have anyone to share it with at home, so I’m honored to be a part of so many peoples celebrations.”

“Christmas is just a veil for people to worship capitalism under the pretense of religion.” Felix sneered. “It’s an excuse to pretend to be happy and turn a blind eye to the problems of the world.”

“Surely you can’t think that?” Dimitri protested. “Christmas is supposed to be a time of family and joy-"

“You actually believe that cookie cutter nonsense?” Felix dismissed.

“I do because it’s not nonsense.” Dimitri spoke with a passionate flare. “Christmas is truly a special time of year, that unites people through tradition and love. There’s joy in the air that you can taste that warms you up from the inside of your soul.”

Felix grimaced. “Sounds disgusting.” he remarked. 

Dimitri gave him a look of pity. “Have you truly never experienced the magic of Christmas?”

“Never.” Felix tried to focus on his phone instead of the stupid conversation. Hoping his curtness would end it.

“Surely you must have some fond memories.” Dimitri insisted.

Felix gave Dimitri a disgusted noise and looked back at his phone battery. He was at 20 percent, and was starting to worry about if the tow company was going to call before his battery died. 

Dimitri’s eyes widened, sparkling with Christmas spirit. “I have an idea!”

“That would be the first time tonight.” Felix grumbled.

“You can accompany me to the tree lighting this week, then you can make new memories of Christmas!   
  


Felix cut Dimitri a glare that he either ignored or was too ignorant to understand. “So your idea to get me to like Christmas is to take me to a party for diplomats, and force sugar plum fairies down my throat.”

“Nothing nearly so violent, I was merely suggesting that you be my plus one to the tree lighting ceremony, take part in the festivities, revel in the merriment, and the such an atmosphere might warm you to the idea of Christmas.”

Felix opened his mouth to respond with some scathing remark when his phone buzzed in his hands. He answered the phone. “Hello? Ok, bye.” He turned to Dimitri, “They’ll be here in 5 minuets. I should go-”

“Wait! Dimitri called out. He handed Felix a stiff square paper. “Here’s my card, I hope to see you tomorrow.”

Felix took the card skeptically and shoved it in his pocket without so much as a glance. He turned back to the cold path home ready to distance himself from the holly jolly nightmare. “Don’t hold your breath.” he called over his shoulder instead of thinking about the card burning a hole in his pocket focused on the sound of ice crunching beneath his feet.  _ What a foolish man _ . He thought.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 on its way


End file.
